***
***
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Satire from The Onion: “Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?”
***
Why Do All These Homosexuals
Keep Sucking My Cock?
COMMENTARY • Opinion • Human Interest • Sex • Gay & Lesbian • ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 41•27 • Jul
6, 2005
By
Bruce Heffernan
Look, I'm not a hateful
person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've
been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever
I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.
Take last Sunday, for
instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the
health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about
their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a
real man's man, too—big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the
least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.
Where does this queer get the
nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa
without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock"
entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads,
"Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."
I've got nothing against
homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when
they start sucking my cock, I've got a real problem.
Then there was the time I was
hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in
his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that
mountain stream, but, before you know it, he's sucking my cock!
What is it with these homos?
Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough gay cocks out there
for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?
Believe me, I have no
interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the
guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my
wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All
of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
I tell you, when a homosexual
is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the
hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay?
And where did he get those fantastic boots?
It screws with your head at
other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I'm afraid he's
going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I've even
started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy,
heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wife—even some that haven't
actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver
Canucks forward Mark Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.
Things could be worse, I
suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and
would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened.
But, believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these homosexuals
mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to
know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.
I've tried all sorts of
things, but it's all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an
intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes
that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only
seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them
around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling
out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their
face, chest, and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the
message across to these swishes?
I swear, if these homosexuals
don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I'm going to have to
resort to drastic measures—like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of
the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up
their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of
their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that.
***
Friday, April 18, 2014
Orangutan Receives Treatment to Remove Air Gun Metal Pellets
***
A staff member examines a 14-year-old male orangutan found with air gun metal pellets embedded in his
body at the Sumatran Orangutan Conservation
Center in Indonesia on April 16. The center
has cared for over 280 orangutans rescued from palm oil plantations, poachers
and pet owners, and over 200 have been reintroduced in the wild. The
critically-endangered primate population is dwindling rapidly due to poaching and
destruction of their forest habitat that is being converted into palm oil
plantations.
***
Republicans' New Voter Outreach: Gun Raffles
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G.O.P. Discovers Useful Voter
Outreach Tool: Gun Sweepstakes
APRIL 17, 2014
Hand over your email address
to a political campaign, and typically all you can expect in return is an
endless stream of solicitations for money.
But one supporter of Greg
Brophy, a state senator who ran for governor in Colorado, got something else: a Smith &
Wesson M&P15 rifle.
It was the top prize in “Greg Brophy’s Gun Club
Giveaway,” an online contest last month in which people handed over personal
information that is the currency of modern political campaigns — first and last
names, email addresses and phone numbers — and in exchange, one lucky winner
would get the gun.
“I tricked this baby out,”
said Mr. Brophy, a Republican, boasting about how he had added all manner of
accessories — extra grips, a backup sight and a strap so it could be slung
effortlessly over the shoulder.
Online gun sweepstakes have
become one of the most useful tools for campaign outreach in the 2014
Republican primaries. Across the country, from a race for sheriff in California to the United States Senate primary in South Carolina,
candidates are using high-powered pistols and rifles as a lure to build up
their donor lists and expand their base of support.
The method may be new, but
the concept is actually a durable campaign device. Take a group of possible
supporters who are highly motivated around an issue, in this case gun ownership
and Second Amendment rights, and pique their interest with good marketing.
Then, once you have their attention, solicit their personal information and
follow up to ask for support and money.
For Mr. Brophy, the entries
came pouring in. “Thousands of people,” he said. “It was awesome.” For the
drawing, he used a website that generated a random number. It stopped on No.
775, and the winner was a deputy in a county sheriff’s office. And once he
passed a background check, the gun was his.
The National Rifle
Association, which has been doing Publishers Clearinghouse-style gun
sweepstakes since the 1980s, figured out the allure of free guns years ago.
Back then, it used direct mail. Now, it employs a range of online campaigns,
including Facebook-based contests that provide the organization not just with
people’s names, but also with their information-rich public profiles and lists
of their friends. Millions of people have entered these contests, the group
said.
In a Republican primary,
there are few constituencies more politically motivated — and therefore more
important to reach — than passionate gun owners. And with today’s campaigns
making critical contact with voters online, free guns seemed to be one of the
easiest ways to cut through the noise.
“This is just a more
aggressive version of things campaigns are already doing,” said Zac Moffatt, who
oversaw Mitt Romney’s digital strategy in 2012 and founded the firm Targeted
Victory, which develops online campaigns. “You’ve got to break through,” he
added, noting that guns would undoubtedly draw in potential voters who could be
invaluable to a Republican candidate. “It could get you a couple extra thousand
votes you didn’t otherwise know about.”
Lee Bright, a state senator
from South Carolina
who is challenging Senator Lindsey Graham in the Republican primary, has given
away two guns, one online and one by direct mail. In the online drawing, the
prize was an AR-15 rifle.
“We thought it was right in
our wheelhouse,” Mr. Bright said. “We’re as strong Second Amendmentists as they
come. And we wanted to reach out to like-minded folks.”
Senate in Georgia, “would
like nothing more than to destroy the Second Amendment,” Mr. Broun said.
In Colorado, Mr. Brophy was not the only
Republican in the governor’s race who held a gun raffle. Tom Tancredo, the
former congressman and presidential candidate, also had one.
His pitchman, the rocker and
N.R.A. board member Ted Nugent, had a dark message. “We all better wake up and
fight back together before it’s too late,” Mr. Nugent wrote in an email to supporters.
“Enter to win a semiautomatic AR-15 — when you’re done, consider making a
donation of $25 or more to help Tom keep our freedoms protected.”
***
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
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