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Barack Obama's Answer to Putin's Op-Ed
by
Albert Brooks
Sept. 12, 2013
WHAT DID I JUST READ?
By Barack Obama
Imagine my surprise when I
opened the New York Times and read Vladimir Putin's Op-ed. I didn't know what I
was reading for a few minutes. Sometimes my Chief of Staff will put The Onion
in front of me just to shake things up so it took me a moment to realize this
was not a joke.
First off, let me say I had a
very nice time at the G20. The food was good, although a bit heavy for my
taste, and the weather was pleasant. Certainly you can see the sky sometimes,
which you can never do in China.
As I continued to read the
Op-ed, I really couldn't understand whether we were being insulted or praised.
Mr. Putin seemed to respect the United
States for one paragraph, and then blast us
in another. Now understand, I admire Mr. Putin. For his age he seems to be in
great physical shape and even though I could kick his ass in basketball I do
believe that if a bear were to attack the both of us, he would be the one to
shoo it away.
But let's make one thing
perfectly clear: this is written by a man who is the head of Russia. Russia, where
the air conditioning in the room conked out even though I was in the
Presidential Suite. Russia,
where no one smiles and where people actually look disappointed that they are
white.
Mr. Putin, we put a man on
the moon and you barely got a monkey home safely. We invented the computer and
you invented the way to steal it. Your country is filled with our fast food
businesses and yet there is not one Russian take out place in the whole United States.
You are known for Siberia, we
are known for Big Sur.
We make Cadillacs and Lincolns and God knows what you call those little square
deathtraps. It's one thing to put down exceptionalism, but before you do that,
you at least have to produce one Broadway show, or make one commercial
airliner, or invent one type of salad.
Having said that, your people
are wonderful and I know that you care about them deeply, except, of course,
for the gay ones. As a matter of fact, you care about them so much that you
hate to see them argue, especially with you, so you graciously offer them the
solace of prison.
In any case, I enjoyed your
editorial and I am very impressed that it was printed in The New York Times. If
only there was a newspaper in your country that would print this.
My very best wishes,
Barack Obama.
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