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N.R.A. Defends Right to Own
Politicians
by Andy Borowitz
Jan. 30, 2013
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In testimony before the Senate Judiciary
Committee today, National Rifle Association C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre warned that
the N.R.A. would vigorously oppose any legislation that “limits the sale,
purchase, or ownership of politicians.”
“Politicians pose no danger
to the public if used correctly,” said Mr. LaPierre, who claims to have over
two hundred politicians in his personal collection. “Everyone hears about the
bad guys in Congress. Well, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a vote is
a good guy with a vote. I’m proud to be the owner of many of those guys.”
Mr. LaPierre’s comments drew
a sharp rebuke from Carol Foyler, a politician-control advocate who has spent
the past twelve years lobbying for stricter limits on the sale of politicians.
“Right now, a man like Wayne
LaPierre can walk right into Congress and buy any politician he wants,” she
said. “There’s no background check, no waiting period. And so hundreds of
politicians are falling into the hands of people who are unstable and, quite
frankly, dangerous.”
In addition to limiting the
sale of politicians, Ms. Foyler said, it is time for society to take a look at
the “sheer number” of politicians in the U.S.: “There’s no doubt that we
would be safer if there were fewer of them.”
For his part, the N.R.A.
leader ended his testimony by serving notice that he would “resist any attempt”
to take away the hundreds of elected officials he says are legally his.
As if to illustrate that
point, he clutched Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) close to his chest and
bellowed, “From my cold, dead hands.”
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