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Andy Borowitz is a satirical columnist for the New
Yorker magazine, NY Times best-selling author and winner of the first National
Press Club award for humor.
Al Qaeda Disbands; Says Job of Destroying U.S. Economy
Now in Congress’ Hands
By
Andy Borowitz
Dec.
28, 2012
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The international terror group known as Al Qaeda
announced its dissolution today, saying that “our mission of destroying the
American economy is now in the capable hands of the U.S. Congress.”
In an official statement
published on the group’s website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that
Congress’s conduct during the so-called “fiscal-cliff” showdown convinced the
terrorists that they had been outdone.
“We’ve been working overtime
trying to come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their
economy,” said the statement from Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. “But even
we couldn’t come up with something like this.”
Mr. al-Zawhiri said that the
idea of holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down to the end
of the year “is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain.”
“As terrorists, every now and
then you have to step back and admire when someone else has beaten you at your
own game,” he said. “This is one of those times.”
The Al Qaeda leader was
fulsome in his praise for congressional leaders, saying, “We have made many
scary videos in our time but none of them were as terrifying as Mitch
McConnell.”
As for the future of Al
Qaeda, the statement said that it would no longer be a terror network but would
become “more of a social network,” offering reviews of new music, movies and
video games.
In its first movie review, Al
Qaeda gave the film “Zero Dark Thirty” two thumbs down.
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