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How to Stop Traffic
by BRUCE MCCALL
June 26, 2012
THE dream of bringing Manhattan traffic flow to
a total standstill draws nearer every day, and if everybody does his part,
these new regulations will speed its realization.
1. No-drive zones denoted by
special painted lanes are reserved exclusively for participants in the new Citi
Bike bike-sharing system. Those riders are required to pound, whack, kick, spit
on or key any vehicle entering or crossing a lane.
2. FedEx, U.P.S. and United States
Postal Service trucks must double-park to maximize traffic obstruction at major
intersections.
3. Nannies on cellphones,
pushing baby strollers, always have the right of way against red lights, stop
signs, ambulances, fire trucks, police cars and snowplows. Sounding your horn
if you are about to run over a nanny will incur a $500 fine.
4. Left-turning taxicabs must
stay in the lane farthest to the right before crossing all traffic lanes to
their left at intersections. Left-turn signal must be off.
5. Right-turning taxicabs
must stay in the lane farthest to the left before crossing all traffic lanes to
their right at intersections. Right-turn signal must be off.
6. Each M.T.A. driver must
ensure that his or her bus joins a three-, four- or five-bus herd before
starting the route. If there are not three, four or five buses directly ahead
or directly behind, the driver must stop and wait to be joined by other buses
in the herd.
7. Pedicabs must proceed on
the exact median line of the street and make U-turns without signaling. Pedicab
drivers exceeding 3 m.p.h. will have their licenses, if they have them,
revoked.
8. Cyclists riding after dark
with visible front and/or rear lights, lamps or other illumination will have
their bicycles confiscated.
9. All complaints regarding
garbage pickup — crews blocking streets, strewing refuse, sneering at
motorists, etc. — should be registered with a cruising Sanitation Department
car.
10. Sanitation Department
cars have no purpose.
11. Police cruisers that stop
to ticket vehicles for blocking traffic must themselves block traffic.
12. Motorists must honk and
swear at traffic officers who are standing in busy intersections making wild arm
and hand motions. That will motivate these dedicated professionals to fulfill
their duty to impede normal vehicular flow.
13. Chauffeured limousines,
high-end S.U.V.’s and imported luxury sedans must double- or triple-park and
keep their engines running whenever and wherever they stop. Note: There is a
$65 fine for disturbing the driver’s sleep, unless the driver has arranged for
a wake-up call.
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