Republicanism Explained

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Written by ‘Jude’ – on www.First-Draft.com

In the last few months, as the scavengers have picked at the carcass of the Republican party, I've heard a lot of people talk about what "conservatism" means. Most recently, the New York Times saw fit to address the issue in this waste of virtual space.

Well, I can't definitively say what "conservatism" means. I possess no advanced degrees, am not a philosopher, and have almost no knowledge of political science.

However.

I can tell you what Republicanism means, and that, I think, is a more germane issue. As I'm sure you've noticed, we don't have a "Conservative" party on our ballots. No. We have a "Republican" one. So figuring out what they stand for seems to be a much more useful endeavor than attempting to define "conservatism."

Well, I've done a lot of observing and thinking, and it seems to me that the Republican party stands for two things.

1. Tax cuts are the cure for everything, including the common cold.

2. Fuck you.

And that's pretty much it. All of the shit that the Republicans do flows from those two points.

I know what you're thinking. "What about the religious right?" "What about the anti-science stand?" "What about the neocons?" "What about all of the other cherished bullshit of the GOP?"

They can all be explained by number two. The Republicans don't really care about God. They just like to use him to tell people "fuck you." Women want to control their own reproductive systems? Fuck you. People want to get married to whatever other adult they want? Fuck you. There's overwhelming evidence that life on earth is billions of years old? Fuck you.

The same applies to their foreign policy. What, you aren't happy with us starting a war with a country that never attacked us? Fuck you. Don't like our carbon emissions or bullshit missile defense? Fuck you. Pissed off that we abducted and tortured your citizens? Fuck you.

And on and on it goes. These people aren't interested in cutting spending or in limited government--they spend like drunken sailors (I would know) and want to regulate who, when, and where you can fuck. That's about as fiscally irresponsible and intrusive as government can get. They don't care about patriotism or families. And "drill, baby, drill" was just a "fuck you" that was acceptable to the FCC.

As for # 1, they keep parroting that insane fucking line no matter what. Got a surplus? Cut taxes. In a deficit? Cut taxes. Booming times? Cut taxes. Worst economy since the Great Depression? We need to--you guessed it--cut taxes. They never explain how it would work. It's an article of faith. I mean, when a group of imaginary creatures from a cardboard cut-out cartoon show has a better economic model than a major political party, things are really fucked up. Yet, somehow, they still get taken seriously. There are a lot of things I don't understand about the world. That fact is about forty of those things.

So it comes down to this: Republicanism is an ideology by and for bullies. But not the kind of bullies who have the guts to get in actual fights, even if the deck is stacked in their favor. No. They hire people to do their fighting for them. Even in their grand and glorious overseas crusades, the ones where they denounce everyone who opposes them as cowards and appeasers, these cocksuckers stay on the sidelines. How many prominent Republicans ran out and enlisted after 9/11? How about before the Iraq war? Which major Republican pundits were cops? Not a goddamn one. Why? All talk, no action.

They're the kind of bullies who love to pick on anyone at the lower end of the economic ladder. It's what weak, shitty people do. What, you want health care you can afford? Fuck you. Your kids need better schools? Fuck you. Workers want to be able to form unions to get better pay and benefits? Oh, fuck you.

That tax cut shit is bullying, too. Because they don't really care about cutting your taxes. No. They want to cut rich people's taxes. It's like they read the story of Robin Hood and thought he was robbing the wrong people. And, since somebody eventually has to pay the bill for all the costs the government incurs when it's out invading sovereign countries that have never threatened us, who do you think gets left with the tab? That's right. The people who can least afford it. Why? Because fuck you.

So I guess Republicanism has just one premise after all.

Posted by Jude on February 08, 2009 at 18:44 in Stupid Republican Tricks | Permalink

http://www.first-draft.com/2009/02/republicanism-explained.html

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